By Esther C. Baird
First Published in the Tri-Town Transcript, Sep 10, 2015
Ok, I will concede that it’s Fall. School’s started, schedules are insane again, and I’m back to staring down two lunch boxes each evening. They stare back and it’s unsettling.
With the change of season also comes a lot of resolve and big ideas. You know the type. This year we won’t fight about homework. This year we’ll get screen time under control. This year I’ll make nutritious lunches with hand cut apples slices. This year we won’t over commit to geographically impossible activities!
They are great resolves and often last until at least . . . um, right, never mind.
But in my husband’s case, he dreamed bigger. This year he decided to put the entire house online.
“We’ll be able to control every switch in our home from our iPhone.” He explained.
“How handy. It was super taxing to actually flip switches manually.” I replied with just a wee trace of skepticism.
“But now we can turn the lights on and off from wherever we are, like, if I’m at the office.” He explained.
“No kidding! So should I call you when I need the living room lights turned on? Or, possibly, is it easier for me to do it myself?”
I could tell he didn’t care for my attitude because instead of ceding my points, he doubled down.
He wired up our porches and hallways and got an LED spotlight that had the full color spectrum for our girl’s rooms.
“Daddy, did you just make my room neon purple?” yelled our daughter from her room one night.
“Mommy, can you turn off the mint green spotlight? It’s hard to sleep,” came the cry of our other daughter.
“Turn it off yourself!” I yelled back in the gentle, motherly way I have once bedtime has supposedly occurred and young people are still yelling down the stairs while I am very busy sitting on the couch.
“I can’t, I don’t have an iPhone.” There was a pause, then, “Can I have a iPhone!??” I stared at my husband. “This is great so far. Really.”
He ignored my tone that I was not trying to hide. “I bought one more thing.”
I could hardly imagine.
“It’s perhaps more of a whim, but it was only $9 and it’s just, you know, cool.”
What could possibly be more whimsical than wiring party-lights into our children’s rooms that only grownups could operate?? And, did I really want to know?
“I got an egg holder that wirelessly communicates with us.”
I mean, full stop right there. Regular Reader, do we need to continue this column? I win, don’t I? This is beyond the pale, we are the Jetsons gone deeply awry.
He continued. “It counts our eggs and tells our iPhones how many we have. We can count them from anywhere.” He smiled a great big smile. “I mean that’s just cool.”
I walked over to the fridge and opened it. “We have two eggs.”
“But, what if you are at the grocery store and you aren’t sure!?” He countered. What if?? It boggles the mind.
“I guess I could look at my list.” I replied, going out on a limb.
But why take that time consuming action, of glancing at a piece of paper, when I could stand in the dairy aisle and check my smartphone? The Eggminder (its actual name) lets me know which eggs are the oldest based on when we loaded them. It has a helpful little ‘pick me!’ flag over the sim egg the minder feels is most ready to be eaten, while also delivering dire warnings like, ‘only 10 days left’ above eggs that have been cooling their shells a bit too long. It’s like a popularity contest right in my own refrigerator.
Which whatever. I guess I can admit the automated lights are cool. But, unless there is a way to wirelessly program the girl’s lunch boxes, I’m resolved that this year the food items, popular or otherwise, can sort it out themselves.